My Living Hope : Sally Back
Isaiah 53:11 (ESV)
11 Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied; by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant, make many to be accounted righteous, and he shall bear their iniquities.
God has been incredibly faithful all my life. Looking back on all the times He has delivered me from some of the darkest moments of my life that felt eternal, I can confidently say that God has carried me through it all. However, even after committing myself to Jesus, I was quick to walk again in the flesh. Every time I reached a new milestone, I found myself hitting an internal reset button. When I was called to repent or forgive someone, waves of doubts and bitterness quickly consumed me and as a result, I was always left feeling incomplete in my repentance and partial in His forgiveness.
Despite God showering me with His goodness, my past sins and hurts rapidly manifested again at various stages of my life. This vicious cycle of God’s restoration followed by the lies speaking louder than His truth, continued on silently until I ultimately accepted it as part of who I was-unworthy in God’s eyes. My chronic anxiety would always creep back, which would lead to making self-destructive decisions in an attempt to regain my worth through ways of the world. I hopelessly wrestled to overcome the lies that were solidifying in my heart- lies that whispered in my head that I’m incapable of being fully forgiven or being set free from the events that haunt me from my past.
Although I knew in my head that God loves me so much that He sacrificed His one and only son to die such a gruesome death for my salvation, His love didn’t feel enough and His sacrifice didn’t break my heart like it once did. Despite my hardened heart, I continued to pursue God for my own selfish reasons, as I couldn’t imagine surviving my anxiety-filled life without Him. This twisted desire led me to constantly doubt my love for Jesus, to a point where I couldn’t confidently pray or sing praises without feeling like a hypocrite and undeserving of His Grace.
I kept these thoughts buried in my heart as facing this distorted reality of my faith was the last thing I wanted to do - until God unexpectedly exposed me towards the end of last year. Out of urgency, I started praying that His word may come alive so that I may experience the power of God’s word in ways that I had never experienced before. I fervently asked God to help me feel the weight of my sins. I wanted to overcome my shame and bitterness and forgive those that seemed undeserving of it. Sure enough, God heard my prayers and spoke to me through Isaiah 53 in undeniably powerful ways. For the first time in a very long time, Jesus’ suffering felt so real. Each word cut me deep. Verse 11 especially “came alive” and spoke to me.
Despite the unimaginable sufferings, He was satisfied to see that I am made righteous in God’s eyes, regardless of the sins that I have and will inevitably cave in to. The word ‘satisfied’ was hard to digest initially as verses 1 through 10 vividly describe the terrifying details of His suffering until His final breath. But Jesus carried my shame, sorrow, and bitterness on the cross to the most humiliating death so that I can lay those burdens down. It brought me an overwhelming amount of gratitude and joy to be reminded that my life was worth saving. He lived the perfect life and died the perfect death - a satisfying death in God’s eyes to bring the complete redemption of all. I came to understand just then how purposeful and not partial but complete His forgiveness is. This whole time, I was chaining myself in fear, anxiously anticipating the next time I would fail Him again. But through Jesus, I am no longer a slave to my fear but have complete freedom in Him. I now have the right to walk shamelessly as a daughter of Christ as neither my past nor my sins define me.
To be quite honest, it’s still a battle every single day. Although it brought me closure, I still struggle to fight the worldly idols and temptations that come my way. But God continues to remind me that “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Although I am weak, the spirit of God that lives in me is strong and fights for me. I praise God for He is my true living hope. As Reverend Gus says, it’s not about trying hard to resist evil, but it’s about the willingness to surrender and to trust that the Holy Spirit will guide my steps to make sacrifices that I don’t want to make. I know God will find ways to constantly remind me of His faithfulness and redeem me from the lies that my forgetful heart is eager to turn back to.
If anyone is struggling to feel accepted by Christ, thinking that your sins are too heavy or that you’ve fallen away too far, just remember that His complete redemption also includes you. He’s only interested in our current heart, so let us stop living in our past. Let us give our unresolved hurts and sins to God and never look back. I came to realize how dishonoring it is to Jesus to hold on to the things that He chose to forget on the cross. Let us not reduce the value of the blood that was shed for our sake and come before Him, accepting His forgiveness and forgiving those that are hard to forgive. Let us stay alert and recommit ourselves to Him every time we fall. Let us have faith that He will carry us through the battles ahead and that His spirit will continue to fight for us even when we fail to.