Freedom In Christ : Anonymous
Mark 1:11 (ESV)
11 And a voice came from heaven, “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.”
Romans 3:23 (ESV)
23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
I thank God for giving me the heart and courage to share my testimony with you. May God alone be glorified through my testimony. I pray that I would not take any of His glory for myself.
I was born into a good Christian family with loving parents. Like many other immigrant families, we experienced financial struggles (and still are). However, these moments made us rely on one another more desperately. My dad, who supported us from Korea by himself for nearly 15 years, remained faithful to my mom and the family. But as with any good thing God has created, a family can easily turn into an idol. Seeing my dad’s sacrifice, love and respect for my mom, I began to admire and idolize marriage. This was reinforced by my mom who embedded in me an unbiblical view: God would bless my future marriage if and only if I keep my virginity. I kept my mom’s words very close to my heart because she was living proof of this notion. So I abstained from sex, not because it was a sin that would break God’s heart but because I wanted a good marriage.
Everything was going the way I planned until I met my ex-boyfriend who was 7 years older than me. He was someone who seemed to cross off most items on my checklist; he was a Christian with a good job, he came from a good family, and he was tall and good-looking. We were compatible in so many ways, but God was nowhere to be found in our relationship. We were dwelling in sin. In retrospect, the reason why I wanted to marry him was to preempt my sin. I lied to myself saying premarital sex was not a sin because I would eventually marry him. And that convinced me to pursue this ungodly relationship. Long story short, by the grace of God, our relationship came to a very abrupt end when he left me. I was deeply hurt, ashamed, and upset. I also felt an immense sense of guilt and worthlessness. And yet I did not have any desire to repent. I was simply frustrated with myself for not being able to keep myself clean for longer. For the next 3 years, I actively ran away from God to hide my sins. I didn’t pray. I didn’t even open the Bible. But I still did what I was supposed to do. I still went on mission trips, preaching the Good news. I still taught bible study in the youth group. I still served as a leader at church. And eventually, I left my old church with the excuse that I was feeling “burnt out.” I hopped around different churches (including Grace Church) to stay away from God.
In January of 2019, during Kingdom Series, the Holy Spirit convicted my heart with this verse: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23” I heard this verse many times in Kingdom Series. I even memorized it to preach the gospel in the mission field. I always took it as a message of condemnation and a prerequisite to accepting Christ. But for the first time, I was able to confess that I am a wretched sinner that would never be able to reach our Holy God even with my most righteous deeds. And as I was praying for repentance, I felt a sharp pain in my left chest, which I later realized was a heartache that God felt towards me. He was heartbroken to see me separate myself from Him, more than the physical act of sexual sin itself. The best part of repentance was the freedom that came after. No matter how hard I tried to be good – whether by abstaining from sin or putting on a holy mask at church – God knew all along that I would never reach Him on my own. It was so liberating to know that God’s standard is perfection because I no longer needed to try so hard on my own. I experienced unexplainable peace and freedom; freedom from the chains of sin, freedom from guilt and shame, and freedom from earning my worth. It didn’t matter how unworthy and filthy I was because God’s grace was so much greater. (By meditating on His grace, God eventually led me to Grace Church). And God spoke to me with this verse afterward: “You are my beloved son [daughter], with whom I am well pleased. Mark 1:11” Despite my failures, God calls me worthy and holy because of Jesus. And He accepts me as who I am.
It took me a long time to reconcile my unresolved feelings that I had trapped deep in my heart. I thought forgetting was forgiving, but Got convinced me otherwise. After a long period of struggle within myself and with God, He gave me the heart to forgive my ex. And He completely freed me from my past! God tells me that my next chapter awaits because He is not done here. God will continue to show me His overwhelming love and grace and lead me to experience true freedom in Him.