Trust in God's Timing : Kay Park
Romans 15:13 (NLT)
13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
I have considered myself a Christian for as long as I can remember. I was raised in a Christian home and attended church every Sunday. During my youth, most summers were spent at church summer schools, revivals and retreats. At every revival I would “accept Christ as my personal savior” but I wouldn’t feel any different and my life wouldn’t really change. I didn’t feel any closer to God and I didn’t experience the Holy Spirit like some of my friends claimed to. “Why not me?,” I wondered. I questioned God’s existence.
I continued to attend church occasionally out of habit and duty until one day my heart hardened and I stopped going completely. My excuse was being too busy trying to balance work, being a wife, and a mother. Striving to be the perfect wife, mom and teacher, I wanted to please everyone but I was never fully content with myself and I would get angry at myself for not meeting everyone else’s expectations. From the outside, my life seemed picture perfect but I was constantly trying to fill a void in my heart. I felt like I had to be in control to be happy but it was becoming exhausting when there were too many things out of my control. Anxiety started to creep in and soon it was a daily battle trying to control it. Then one summer I lost all control and I fell apart physically, emotionally, and mentally.
My life was turned upside down during the summer of 2017. I had the summer off and I had plans. It would be my first summer not working at a summer school. I was excited to spend my time with my daughter, enjoy the sun, and meet friends after a really tough school year. I also decided this would be the year I would have another baby. God had other plans. I fell ill with a bacterial infection in my stomach leading to ulcers and other physical and physiological issues. Every day was a struggle and I couldn’t be there for my family. I was obsessed with figuring out why this was happening to me. I thought I was going to die. I was losing weight, would wake up with numbness, I had heart palpitations and feelings of doom, suffered panic attacks and doctors couldn’t figure out why. I felt as if death could be my only escape. I tried everything under the sun to gain back control: Medication, changing my diet, yoga, meditation, acupuncture, attending church services… nothing worked until I prayed to God as a last resort. That night, He spoke to me. In His gentle, clear, and almost inaudible voice He said, “I will heal you.” Looking back in retrospect, this is the night I was saved. I didn’t know it at the time and I couldn’t accept it because I was still feeling sick and I needed to see it to believe it.
I continued to cry out to Him for mercy until one day God opened my eyes. I came across the Bible verse 1 Peter 5:10: “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” I meditated on these words every day and continued to pray and ask for healing. On the 40th day after falling ill, He healed my stomach pain. Since then I have continued to seek Him every day and my faith has continued to grow. I surrendered all control. I let go and let God have His way in my life. I realized God allows storms in our lives to happen so that He can reveal Himself to us and put His power and glory on display. He may have not caused my suffering but He allowed it so I can turn to Him in prayer.
A few months after recovering, on the night of March 3rd, I prayed asking Him to bless my family with another baby if it was His will. I put all my trust in Him and thanked him for forgiving all my sins, the many blessings He has poured onto my life, and for the Holy Spirit that lives in me. God is good and He’s always on time. Max was conceived on that same night. On November 30th, 2018, I gave birth to my son Max. Max is my answered prayer and my greatest testimony. Not because God answered my prayer but because I prayed according to His will without any doubt in my heart. I trusted in Him completely. I’m not a perfect Christian and I never will be. I will always battle with my sins and feelings of doubt. But I’m not fighting this battle alone. I have the greatest, most sovereign Lord on my side.
For Your Reflection
Do you struggle with your faith? Do you sometimes feel that God is not there when you need Him the most? Don’t believe in those lies. Persevere through the dark seasons in life by turning to prayer and God’s word, praising and worshiping, connecting with your brothers and sisters in Christ, and relying on our Heavenly Father. Our sight is limited but our God is sovereign. He sees our past, present, and future. He offers us salvation and wants us to share this good news. Our sufferings lead us to salvation and our test becomes our testimony to show God’s glory. I was saved by grace alone by our perfect savior Jesus Christ. I am sharing my testimony to show His glory and faithfulness. I pray that all my brothers and sisters will persevere in faith and find peace through Christ. “In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world” (John 16:33).