Walk on the Path of Light : Steve Kim
Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
For the past year and a half, I've been feeling like I was stuck in place. While everyone around me was moving along with their plans and aspirations for their future, I felt like I wasn't going anywhere. I would go to school, do my work, go home, play games for a couple of hours and go to sleep. That was basically my whole routine since high school but starting junior year of college my demeanor started to change. Over time, I felt that I was becoming depressed and started to not care about anything anymore. I would just cut classes and go out to drink and hang out with my friends. I eventually quit school thinking that school was what was causing me to be depressed. But I soon realized that school wasn't the issue. I still felt depressed while playing games or watching television at home.
Around last November, I started having health issues. I couldn’t eat or sleep properly because of my stomach. My condition led me to become even more unmotivated than I already was. I didn't want to do anything. I think the hardest thing that I had to deal with was my dad’s disappointment. I knew it was embarrassing for him that I couldn’t finish college and that I have basically wasted my time. This led to me to develop a hatred towards him. I left the house before my dad came back from work every day because I didn’t want to see or talk to him. Whenever I happened to run into him, I got stressed out because I didn’t have an answer to his questions about what my next plan was. He would get angrier and angrier at my lack of response.
During that time, I kept thinking why these things were happening to me and when it would stop. I felt like I was drowning in my own head and couldn't breathe because of all the stress and anxiety that I was dealing with. It felt like problems kept piling on and on. I prayed to God out of desperation and distress. I wanted Him to fix all my problems instantaneously rather than coming to His presence. At first, I tried to ignore my problems and live like everything was okay, but that just made my anxiety grow even worse.
My anxiety attacks came randomly, during the day and night. I would start shaking, and my breathing and heartbeat would get faster making me dizzy. I became sick and tired of what was happening to me. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I remember at one point I was ready to end it. I would play out the scenario in my head where I would get into my car and just speed into a barricade in a forest. I don’t know why I didn’t go through with it that day. Maybe I was scared of leaving my parents behind or maybe it was the thought of God that popped into my head. I honestly don’t remember.
A couple months later, I was at a retreat and God spoke to me. It wasn't through prayer or a sermon that God spoke to me but through a stranger who I met there. During our conversation, he told me that there were two roads: one filled with darkness and one filled with light. He told me that he saw me walking on the path of darkness and that God was sad. God wanted to be with me on the path of light. I couldn’t understand why God decided to show Himself to me at that exact moment, after all that I had to go through. I’m still trying to figure out as to why I had to deal with my situation. But I realized through the conversation that I have to trust in God and that everything will be okay. Eventually, the doubts and the questions that I had disappeared and I realized that all I can do is to hold onto Him and trust Him.
I am the type of person who likes to be in control. I feel like I’m entitled to be aware of everything that I am a part of. It is extremely difficult for me to let go and trust. I know that I need to continue working on being okay with the fact that my life will not always go the way I want it to. I now know to regard each of my sufferings as a test given by God, and that they should serve as a reminder to have faith.
For Your Reflection
It is normal for people to feel uncomfortable with or even afraid of uncertainty. If we knew what was going to happen to us in the future, we certainly would not struggle with fear and anxiety as much. But the reality is that no one knows what tomorrow holds except for God. That is the reason God tells us to trust Him with all our hearts rather than trying to understand and figure out everything that goes on in our lives. Have faith in Him and submit to His ways. Choose to walk on the path of light. He will surely make our paths straight.